Thursday, July 5, 2012

Yoga: the extremely serious, terribly important, actual factual dangers thereof

Couple days ago, we got this piece of mail addressed to our oldest son.  Since he lives in Minnesota, and hasn't lived with us since Noah put squirrels on the ark, and since it looked like junk mail, we opened it.  In the envelope was a brochure, glossy, tri-fold, printed on both sides; looked professionally produced.  On the front, along with a picture of a pretty girl exercising, this title: Yoga, it's more than just an exercise.  Under that, a sub-title: "Yoga means 'in yoke,' 'unity,' 'oneness with.  Know exactly what you're engaging into." Under that, another sub-title: "The truth about Yoga exposed." 

I do not know if my son is currently engaging into yoga, or even engaging with, or in.  We certainly would never have allowed any such shenanigans when he was living here!  None of that physical and spiritual discipline stuff here!  We're actually more about basketball. 

But you never know about those Minnesotans.  Maybe he's come under some malign influence.  Maybe someone has seen him doing those exercises, humming 'om', acheiving moksha.  Clearly someone who knows him thought he needed this timely warning.  'Cause we read the pamphlet, and as we say in Utah: OH MY HECK.

Danger Will Robinson!  I had no idea.   See, okay, here's the skinny:  God's version of 'yoking,' "is based on an application of 'undoing' . . . by 'removing' the devilish things in us that in turn increases our flow of God's Divine Life Supporting Energy Spirit in us (via TREE of LIFE) that produces health +.  Whereas the Devil's version is an application of 'doing' by 'adding' demonic angels IN you that replaces (dethrones) God as health care provider +, like getting a spirit transfusion--making you more of them and lesser of YOUR True Divine Self."  Whew.  That's an actual quote, by the way, including the bad grammar and + signs. 

'Cause see, here's the thing.  All those yoga exercises?  "Each body manipulation technique is a spiritual prostration, submission of self (the marriage ritual ceremony) to inviting demonic angels in to bind with your spirit-body--the SOUL (mind, will, emotions).  Pilates and similar body structural alignments are rooted in the same origin as yoga."  (My daughter's done Pilates.  She says actually the main reason she did was to bind her spirit-body with demonic angels.  The health benefits were tangential.)  What they leave out, oddly enough, is the proven fact that Pilates is named after Pontius Pilate! Who KILLED JESUS!!!! 

They don't actually go there.  But there is more.  Much much much much more.  Plus a link to their website.  The answer to all this yogic devil-marrying is, as it happens, Jesus.  Whodathunk it.  Plus they sell oils.  And pet products.  And stuff. 

Every region, every sub-culture has its own brand of crazy.  Mormons are not immune.  There used to be a woman in our ward who, every Halloween, wouldn't give the kids candy, but instead handed out brochures about the Satanic origins of that holiday.  Result: kids stopped trick-or-treating there.  For awhile, Utah culture seemed overrun practically with the magnet people: "I strapped a little magnet to my knee, and voila, the arthritis was GONE!" 

But this yoga thing, that one's new to me.  The BYU acting program offers classes in yoga.  I know acting teachers (and actors) who swear by it.  I know others who don't think it helped 'em much.  I think yoga's probably awesome.  I'm not into it, but I'm good friends with folks who are, and it works for them. 

So, in the annals of crazy, this anti-yoga thing deserves its own chapter.  You can't say you weren't warned.  Either way. 


  1. Epic. I am definitely going to have to start taking a closer look at my junk mail. Maybe there's more to those dentistry ads than I thought.

  2. Send me this now! I must read it!